The passive aggressive wife’s attitude towards sex: is it love or power?

love sex and passive aggressive

 

 

Sex as a means of control is something many men struggle with in a passive aggressive marriage, although it is a sensitive and private matter that most don’t want to share (understandably). Passive aggressive wives can almost always get their desired outcome by withholding sex as punishment – it is a punishment that a victim will usually feel guilty about recounting!

 

If you suspect this is happening to you in your marriage, here are some facts. It’s a simple and unfortunate truth that as a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship, your passive aggressive spouse will at some point show no interest in sex, exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together. Sometimes it might be after a nice day with the kids, or a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant.

 

So, if it’s passive aggressive punishment, why does there seem to be even less notice than usual? Most often, sex is withheld as punishment because of something that happened during the day that your wife cannot explain. It could be that she felt humiliated by something you said to her mother, or that she resents homework. The take-away point here is that it usually has NOTHING to do with sex itself. In other words, you don’t need to lie in bed wondering whether you are no more attractive to her!

 

What happens when you lie awake worrying like this is that the punishment 100% does what it was meant to do. Your wife’s passive punishment turns into something you do to yourself. You punish yourself by telling yourself you’re not thin, attractive, satisfying enough. At that point, she has effectively controlled the situation and manipulated your ideas about your own self-worth.

 

Something men wonder at this point is how the passive aggressive female views sex. It’s a good question to ask. Something to remember is that for the passive aggressive wife, sex means surrendering (because it’s intimate). She feels that withholding sex will prove her independence and hide her fear of rejection….

 

The first step (and this one is NOT optional) is to understand that it is NOT ABOUT SEX. It is not about your sexual attractiveness, or ability. It is about your wife using  a way to control your needs and emotions – and more than other means of control, withholding sex hits us all below the belt, capitalizing on some of our deepest insecurities. Withholding sex is about her need to control you by ignoring and denying your needs!

 

If you do not address this situation in a healthy and critical way, your needs will increase, and so will your insecurities. You will continually look to her for approval, which is exactly what she needs to feel strong.

 

If your partner is using this strategy against you, don’t suffer in silence or take the blame! She is also depriving herself from intimacy, which tells you that she prefers control over you to intimacy.

Do you need someone to talk to about this or other personally hurtful passive aggressive behaviors? You can either buy the book, or have a private, one-on-one conversation with our Conflict Coach, Coach Nora. Your first conversation with her is free.

Relationship Repair Month:This Week Is Self Esteem

The Relationship Repair Month, has just made available the second week training, dedicated to self esteem:

Have you ever asked yourself any of this questions:

  • Is There Something Wrong With Me, That I’m Denied Recognition?
  • What is the Value of What I Bring To This Relationship?
  • Why do I Always end on the losing end of a Relationship?

Although all of those questions are good valid ones, most of the time what you are really asking is “How Valuable Do I See My Self

To zoom in all those questions this week we have created a sort survey, and  don’t forget to download the workbook,
Six Very Simple Things That Your Can Do Today to Start Re-Building Your Inner strength 

 

To access the Relationship repair Month, please visit:

http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com/relationships-month/week-two-your-inner-compass/

Regards,
Neil

 

You are invited to improve your relationships!

As part of the permanent effort that we do here at Creative Conflict Resolutions, to provide skills to connect better with loved ones,

this week we are offering a free open site where you can learn how to repair relationships just in time for the holidays.

The site is: http://nationalrelationshipsmonth.com/relationship/you-can-begin-your-learning-here-and-now/

buy Sildalis onlinestyle=”text-align: justify”>You can register and begin reading our interesting short papers, or asking questions from the experts. Don’t let this honest opportunity to do relationship repair go away!

Neil Warner

 

 

Passive Aggressive Conflicts: Words Women Use

Passive Aggressive

Women in passive aggressive relationships, or PA women themselves, often develop a vocabulary specific to their situation. This vocabulary, innocent as it appears, can cause numerous communication problems between the PA and the partner trying to handle them.

Fine – An “I give up” way to quickly end an argument. Cliche and used often in sitcoms, it nevertheless occurs in everyday relationships, inhibiting any progress that could have been made through calm discussion. Fine establishes the speaker’s lack of intention to respect the situation and its issues.

Nothing – Nothing never means nothing. A PA may use this to sow doubt or retaliate against her partner, and a partner may use this to retaliate against the PA. In either case, it works against progress the same way “fine” does. In fact, arguments that start with “nothing” usually end in “fine,” proving the uselessness of both words.

Go ahead (and/or see if I care) – The ever-tricky trap. A PA might use this to lure the partner into doing something that the PA can use against them later. If a partner says this to a PA, they are merely reinforcing whatever behavior is going on, even if it gets them out of the current situation.

Be sure to distinguish between “Thanks”  and “Thanks a lot.” If you find yourself about to commit to the latter, stop yourself. Sarcasm is the surest way to maim a conversation and infuriate the receiver.

Replying “You’re welcome” to a “Thanks a lot” may result in the last word –  “Whatever.”

Whatever – Whatever is very similar to fine, nothing, and go ahead. However, it has the added perk of insulting the receiver. “Whatever,” no matter the true feelings behind it, will usually express the painful weight of an insult or a rejection, a complete shutdown of the other person. Coming from a PA, a single “whatever” is very destructive; coming from the PA’s partner, it is ammunition and a means to placing blame.

Surviving a passive aggressive relationship takes focus and a skillful way with words, because words are the rocks that partners often throw at one another in their anger and frustration. Choosing the right words at the right time is incredibly important in working toward change and mutual respect.

Neil WarnerNeil Warner
I’m the “relationship guru,” and my main focus is to increase the quality of love-based relationship experiences. In this ground-breaking guide I offer useful strategies on healing a difficult angry relationship with love and compassion. You don’t have to stay in an unhealthy relationship one more minute. Let us share our tools with you today. Get a free ebook here.